Time for Relationship

I've had to let my blog go for a bit as our transition during the past couple of months became too consuming.  Also, I haven't had much time to be on Peter's computer (since I don't technically have one of my own anymore).  But since he's out with the guys tonight...I thought I'd snag the opportunity and see what comes out.

We're in our new house and slowly chipping away at the many changes we want to make.  It's a fun place, though.  We had 31 people here for Christmas and it was a good time! With the trampoline, swing set, tire swing, sand box, fire pit, zip line, and remote controlled vehicles in the backyard, it's no big surprise that children who do not live here aren't eager to go.  (Which we just love!) We want to have a home that other children want to go to so that our children will stick around! haha  Peter has already made a resolution to have 12 parties here in 2012, and I'm sure some poker nights on the deck with his man friends will count for a few.  ;)

I really am grateful for our home and I love the space.  I also love finally being free from being on someone else's terms and timing.  This place is a great investment and would have made an excellent flip home if we had decided to go that route.  But, home is what we need right now and this is where we've landed.  For now.

Despite all of our blessings and reasons to be thankful, I still find myself in more of a rut than ever.  An unshakable sadness looms, a feeling of purposelessness.  Having lived with such a clear sense of purpose and direction for our entire marriage up until we came here, I still haven't adjusted to the reality that we've been stripped of those things.  That probably sounds ridiculous to some, seeing as how we have a family and clearly there is purpose in that alone.  And there is, but I've lost my spark in the midst of it; for being a homemaker, a homeschool teacher, and maybe a person altogether.  I love cooking, but it leaves a mess I am too tired to clean up.  I love my children, but have lacked the energy and motivation required to really spend the kind of quality time with them I want to spend.  And of course I love my husband, but sometimes it's difficult to find ways to connect when we're both processing so much in such drastically different ways.

So I think it's a good time for a new year.  In a way it feels like a fresh start, yet in another way it makes me nervous.  Will this year be as difficult as the past couple of years have been? If so, I think I'll stay here in 2011 where at least I know what to expect some of the time.  One thing that really gives us a lift is being around people.  We like having fun.  We like having people over and getting out with friends.  So we need to do that more.  We need people around us in this season and we're thankful for those God has connected us with so far.  And I promise, although we have a crazy story, we don't bite.  Or at least we haven't yet.  ;)

During some time spent sweeping our floor, I asked God what this next year is about.  He said "relationships." The first relationship that came to my mind was my relationship with Him! I am just ready for a season of savoring some real cherished time with my Papa God.  Beginning the new year in a broken sort of state causes me to realize my need for that time even more.  It's really all I need.  My answers are all found there.  Our healing is found there.  And my purpose and value are clear when He looks at me.  Next to that are my relationships within the walls of our home.  Without formal ministry and full-time jobs pulling on us as in times past, it feels like a season to put that time and energy into the people who are most dear to me...my husband and my kids.  There is so much re-arranging and settling going on within all of us, I think it's going to take a while before we find our new normal.  And that's ok.   We're not in a hurry.

Much of what I used to believe has been shaken in recent years, but whatever comes in 2012 there are a few things that I know will not change... I can trust my Daddy, He is good, and He will take care of us.  Nothing will come as a surprise to Him and He always has a plan, even when we can't see it.  So here we go.  And here I go...back to my messy kitchen!