Hope Arises

"The desire to quit is the last obstacle between you and what God has promised you."

Healing rarely arrives in the timing and package that we expect it to.  Our healing is coming in God's perfect season for us.  The process hasn't been fun.  In fact, it's been horribly painful.  We've lost much.  We've felt lonely, ostracized, robbed and broken to bits.  It's quite a shock to the system to go from being at the helm of various pioneering works for 13 years, finding easy community and favor within our leadership teams, to suddenly becoming "those people" who just washed ashore after a shipwreck.  Wondering eyes watch and most keep their distance.  Community, vision and purpose feel lost.  Dreams are dashed.  Invitations fade away.  A battle is fought for our identity.  We don't recognize even ourselves.

Strangely, I'm somehow thankful for it all.  I'm refined beyond who I was and stretched to be who I am becoming.  Never again will I see a shipwrecked soul the same way.  Never again will I sit on the front row and neglect to look behind me to the forgotten one who needs support.  My perspective has forever shifted.  My voice is rising up.  Silence is no longer an option.

I knew there was a great purpose for the pain.  There had to be.  I selfishly hoped it would pass sooner than later.  I thank God that I am now well and able to do more than I can remember doing ever in my life.  I thank God that we are on this healing journey and that He's faithful to complete it.  He's giving us keys that I know will have a lasting ripple effect in our own lives as well as in the lives of others.  A new season of pioneering is upon us.  Answers are being uncovered that we never expected to find.  Hope arises.  A new oneness is forged because we chose to fight for it when it would have been easier to walk away.

Healing feels so close I can taste it.

This is just the beginning.

Resisting the Urge SPEND

Yes, I realize it's been several weeks since I last blogged.  I was on the budgeting topic a while back.  Then I went to Hawaii and returned home only to have my somewhat failing health take a major downward spiral.  I'm not 100% yet, but I am feeling MUCH better now! That just to say, budgeting has not really been on my brain.  (Although I did manage to actually keep great track of my budget last month!)

So here we are in May already.  It's May Day (or Lei Day) in Hawaii, which was always a fun day.  I picked up some anthuriums and a pineapple for myself at Trader Joe's just to celebrate a little.  We have company arriving tomorrow, so I've been more motivated to get things organized at home while my two littlest ones have been on the war path to create even worse messes along the way.  Oh well.

You know how you can have something in your house that, after it's been there long enough, you just don't see it anymore? Like that stack of papers your son brought home from school that needs to be either tossed or saved in the keepsake box? Or that old dried-up Valentine's Day bouquet that's still sitting in your kitchen window box? Or the Christmas wreaths that still hang above your fireplace and on the wall in the family room? Yeah.  It's May.  And I still have put nearly nothing on my walls besides the "temporary" Christmas decor I hung quickly in December prior to hosting our family's celebration.

Merry Christmas.  Again.

Why haven't I taken it down? 1) I haven't felt well enough to think too much about it.  2) I don't have anything to replace it with.  3) A little dried up leftover Christmas decor has got to look better than a blank wall (or maybe not?).  4) I stopped seeing it.

One thing we love about having people over is that it gives us the bit of motivation we've lacked to fix things up here and there.  In the past, I have gone all out shopping for things for our house to try to achieve whatever look I'm going for, whether OR NOT we had the cash.  Yep, that began in my college days when retail therapy became my go-to solution for life's troubles.  So here I am now, with that old issue trying to creep back in, begging me to walk into TJ Maxx's home section and go on a shopping spree.  And it would be SO FUN! Much more fun than the alternative, which is boring blank walls and crunchy holidays wreaths.  (Until the bill arrives!)

But I won't do it! And writing this blog is my therapy, my way of saying NO and holding myself accountable.  haha  Oh, but it is so tempting because I like things to be happy and pretty and welcoming!!! I feel like throwing my version of a 2-year-old's tantrum and screaming, "But I WANT IT and I want it NOW!"

It was cute in December.
Before the kids ripped down half of my
Christmas photos from family & friends.

If I had the spare time and energy I would probably turn to Pinterest and get some ideas, muster up my creative juices and make something fun for my house.  And I hope to do that soon.  I splurged on some fresh flowers today and I am going to enjoy those for all their worth.

So that's it for now.  Just confessing my temptation and putting my foot down as far as over-spending is concerned.  Yes, it hurts the pride.  Yes, it flies in the face of holding up the image I would like to maintain.  Yes, it's less than perfect.  But when it comes to living a debt-free lifestyle, these are just a few of the sacrifices that have to be made in this season.  It's not always fun, but very worth it!

Budgeting with Passion: Part 2

Well, after my last post on budgeting with passion I was invited that very night to a meeting with a few friends at Starbucks. The topic of discussion was "moms on a budget." A friend from out of town was there who I greatly respect as an amazing homeschool mother of 4 children. She shared with us about how her family of 6 lives on $1500/month including a $400/month food budget. And they eat really healthy homemade meals based on my personal favorite cookbook (also could be a textbook!), Nourishing Traditions.

After feeling crippled by my own greatly reduced food budget, I was quite inspired by what she's been able to accomplish on such a small amount of money. It's one thing to feed a family on Top Ramen and Mac 'n Cheese with practically no living foods in the mix, but another thing entirely to meet the goals of nourishing a family by preparing real foods organically, traditionally and seasonally. It's just not cheap, but there are ways to cut corners and find deals if the planning is done right.

What I found most interesting is that this amazing family has been able to accomplish so much with so little because they made decisions which have enabled them to live out their dreams and passions. They travel the world a few months out of every year with all four of their children to support missionaries in Africa and other parts of the globe. To do that, they've made great sacrifices which, I'm sure they would say, have brought challenges along with the immense satisfaction that comes with really doing what you know you're called to do. The convenience of taking the family out to eat at restaurants is just one of the opportunity costs of living this life they've chosen. And that is what budgeting and living life out of passion looks like. What can I live without in order to re-direct funds towards making my dreams a reality?

My friend made the same remorseful comment I have made myself: "Oh, just think of the money I could have saved if I had started living this way a long time ago!" Ha! Well, we live and learn and cut our losses along the way. The important thing is that we know NOW what it takes to be good stewards of what we've been blessed with. Feeling guilty about past ignorance isn't going to help anyone anyway, right?

Practically, there are simple things that can be done to save money in areas we might not have considered before. My friend, for example, makes all of her own cleaners and soaps for pennies. Laundry and dishwasher detergent, liquid soap, household cleaners, all of it. I've done some of this before, but I'm excited to branch out and really go for it myself. While I still really LOVE going out to eat, it is definitely something we have almost entirely given up. I must say that living outside of the city limits makes that discipline just a little easier as those conveniences are just a bit more inconvenient due to the drive. Country living wins again!

So I think that will do it for today. I have another inspiring friend I want to talk about in my next blog entry, so stay tuned!

Budgeting with Passion: Part 1

This blog entry is a prelude to what will become series of entries on the subject of budgeting with our life passions in mind.

I don't know about you, but 2012 has so far been the year of throwing all of the proverbial cards in the air and starting over.  It's the year of re-inventing the way things have always been, old habits, dreams, goals, the whole shebang.  While looking at all the facets of my life and cleaning house, some things are re-arranged and assigned a different order in the hierarchy of priorities.  Old forgotten dreams are dusted off and added back into the mix.  The excess is trimmed and cut off.  It feels like being put back on the potter's wheel and formed into a new shape.

This is such a broad and fresh subject for me, I can't possibly cover it all in one blog entry.  So I'll start with what I've been working on today:  budgeting.  But before I get into the nitty gritty of that, I have to give some background info that will lead into where we're at today.

I'm one of those nerdy types who loves looking at all the numbers in detail and making them work for us.  Of course it's a lot more fun when there's an abundance to play with, but that is not often the reality.  Right now Peter works about 2 days a week doing business management.  He also pulls in some small-ish residuals from past entrepreneurial endeavors.  And that's it.  It's tight, but not impossible.  I'm glad he's able to work from home on in his own time schedule, giving him the freedom to process through all that he needs to process in this season. 

While living in Hawaii we sold a business that allowed us to become debt-free (hallelujah!).  Then we were able to buy some things we needed (like a dining room table) and some other things we just wanted (like a kayak and camping gear and my oh-so-lovely wedding ring).  We put the rest in savings and were in a position to coast comfortably for a while.  It was then we were faced with the question:  What do we do with our life when time and money are not holding us back? Did I mention we were living in Hawaii? Ha! Time.  Money.  Hawaii.  Family.  Community.  Bliss.  Right?

This is where our story can get really long, so I'll keep it simple.  Peter, true to form, gave it all up to the Lord.  Together we went on a 21-day fast to seek God's path for us in this dramatically new season of freedom.  And you know what happened? On the last day of our fast, Peter received an unsolicited phone call that opened the doors for him to record his first album.  This was a dream he had been storing up on the shelf since the early- to mid-90's when he originally wrote most of his songs.  He had an interested producer and the timing with the rest of the band, now spread literally around the world, all came together for recording both in Redding and Kansas City.  So that was it.  Peter went downstairs to our garage every morning at 9 a.m. as if he was going to work and pursued the presence of God.  He worked on his songs.  And that was it.  (Oh, there was some surfing and camping and other fun stuff, too, of course.)

Fast forward to October 2011.  We're in Redding (where's the beach, again?).  We still have some money in the bank, enough to get us through another 8-9 months of comfortable living.  We're pretty well-thrashed from life's unexpected and shattering turns.  Our lease is about to expire.  Peter weighs what we should do with our last bit of savings and BOOM we're signing docs on our first home before we knew what had happened.  And POOF there went our money.  Ha! Of course we think we're sitting on a pretty great investment with this house of ours and we just love it, so we have no regrets.  But now the tables have turned and we have a new question:  How do we pursue our passions with limited cash-flow?

That's where I'm at right now.  I'd love to hear how other people answer this question and I'll continue our story very soon...



 

When Gone is Gone

This morning I read the blog of a friend who has lost both her mother and her younger brother to cancer.  I grew up with their family and the brother who passed away was a month younger than our son, Mark.  The double loss and suffering this family has endured and the way they have faced it with courage, grace and honesty is a real-life testimony, to me and others, of the peace and strength that only God can give.

As I read the following words, I really felt like they were for me as much as they were for her:

I think it's so important to be able to let go of things when it's time to say goodbye.  What's gone is gone.  You cannot hold onto something and make it a part of your life if it's not there.  Saying goodbye recognizes that something, someone was there, it really did happen, but now they have moved on which means you must move on too.   

There will always be goodbyes in life, and some much, much harder than others.  But there are also many, many hellos.  And if you look at it that way, at least for me, there are so many more hellos than goodbyes. And so many of those hellos are so much greater in their level of joy than goodbyes are in their level of sorrow.

Some goodbyes we say because we have chosen to do so.  We intentionally let something go and move on.  Some goodbyes, though, are because someone or something was leaving and there was nothing we could do but say goodbye and let them go. The same goes for hellos.  Sometimes very wonderful things come to say hello as an unexpected and happy surprise.  Then there are the hellos that we choose to say, and there is endless opportunity to say those kinds of hellos.  

Here's to knowing when to say goodbye and having the courage to do so...

and to choosing to say hello as often as we can.

Leaving our life in Kohala has felt like a death to me and I have spent the past year grieving that loss.  There was so much that led to us going there to begin with...dreams, hopes, plans...that our 2 years there just felt way too short.  We were courted, married and divorced before I even saw it coming.  And I think the most difficult part about it, for me, is that I didn't choose it.  I didn't choose to have our plans set aside, I didn't choose to leave.  It chose me and I had to go with it.  And I was okay going along with that, at the time, because I believed that our leaving was temporary.  Now here we are in Redding, a year and 2 months later, and we own a home.  We have new friends, a new flow to our life.  It's all good, but I think I've hesitated to fully embrace it because I've been holding out for returning to our life in Kohala.  I didn't want to, again, get too attached to a way of life or a circle of friends that would rip my heart out when I left.

In 12 days I will return to Kohala, but just for a short visit.  We left so suddenly last time that I didn't have a chance to say good-bye to many people.  I missed the births of 5 babies within my circle of friends there in the last year, so I am really excited to meet them all.  I know that I will have a full 9 days, a chance to re-live a past life for a little while, to enjoy being with some my favorite people, to soak up all of the aloha that I possibly can.  And it will be a time for me to say good-bye, gone is gone.  Chapter closed.  I am really not looking forward to that.  I'm thankful for the chance to visit and for the fact that I will have the friends I made there for eternity.  I just wasn't done there.  In fact, it felt like we had just begun.

It's time for a new season for our family.  This is the first time we've ever owned a home, a sure sign of beginning to put some roots down.  That is really foreign to me.  I have loved the 16+ years of adventure I've enjoyed since I left Redding for southern Cal in '95.  I've lived in every climate zone there is...from sunny SoCal to the heat of the desert, then to the snow-covered mountains and the tropics of Hawaii.  Now here we are in the valley.  Back in my hometown.  While it has felt a little like I did something wrong and got sent home, I know it has been God's saving grace for us in this season.  And I choose to trust Him.

So here's to knowing when to say goodbye and having the courage to do so...

School Changes

I've been asked several times why I stopped homeschooling, so here it is.

November was a difficult month for us this year. Lots of things came to a head, we were in the middle of remodeling and moving, I was beyond spent. Unfortunately that made it impossible for me to keep up with homeschooling. I began thinking about our options. We couldn't afford private school. Alex is on the list for a couple of charter schools, but that wasn't yet an option. I didn't feel a peace about putting him in one of the larger public schools. I kept wishing for some kind of a small school we could put him in that was free, but I didn't know of one. We kept plugging away at our schoolwork at home, little by little, at least trying to complete one subject a day. But the expectations of our supervising teacher were always haunting me. And I knew that Alex was not thriving in the midst of our family's stress.

Then I saw that my brother and his wife had chosen to pull my nephew out of his private school and put him at a small country school just a few miles from us. I had never thought of that before we moved because it felt too far away! One of my best friends growing up went to that school and I remember my 6th grade class competing against them back in the day. I didn't even research it much for myself, I just went on my brother's word and signed Alex up. He started right after the Thanksgiving break. The school has a great reputation and about 2/3 of the students are transfers from other districts. There are only 270 students K-8, which feels much less overwhelming to me than some of the other options we had.

Alex is a very adaptable, easy-going kid, so that has helped him succeed through our many transitions. He changed schools in the middle of kindergarten when we moved to Hawaii, then switched to homeschooling after one day of 2nd grade in Kohala. We homeschooled through 2nd grade and almost half of 3rd grade when we moved into our new home. Buying a house settled the question in my mind as to where we would be living next. Would we be moving again? Continuing to homeschool meant that at least Alex's schooling would be consistent if we did move. Since it now looks like we'll be planting in this area for a season of our lives at least, I felt better about putting Alex in school. And I just plain needed the break.

So that's the background on why we made such a sudden change. I was too busy back in November to have time to be sad about it. Now that I'm unpacking boxes and finding our homeschool books, I do miss homeschooling. And I miss the little network of friends that comes naturally with being a homeschooler. Granted, I do not miss the battle that we were beginning to have daily when Alex wanted to play with his brother or with Legos rather than hit the books. We traded that battle for the homework battle, which I am still trying to figure out. Besides the homework, Alex is enjoying his new school and quickly made friends as he always seems to do. I think I did what was necessary at the time and we'll re-assess at the end of the 3rd grade. We'll then have the option to put him at a charter school (as he'll have moved to the top of the waiting list) and may even have the chance to attend another charter school if his name is drawn in the lottery. Aaron's name is also in the pot to attend that school for kindergarten. We'll see what happens! Maybe he'll just stay put for a while.

The one time I have had a chance to get into Alex's classroom (to see a play and attend a class party), I was trying to decide how I felt about the school. I still don't know. It's okay. His teacher doesn't seem to be the warm sort of elementary school teacher I'm accustomed to, but she's nice enough. I'm sure that adding a student in the middle of the year isn't her favorite thing. I am not a fan of the instituionalized, mass-produced education system. But we're giving it a try. Aaron really misses having Alex at home, but is learning to play more with his sister who is much closer in age. So we're all adjusting and figuring out how we feel about this change in our home. I have to say that my least favorite aspect of him being in school is that I have to go pick him up at 2:30. That's a big interruption in the middle of naptime, which used to be my most productive time of the day. No more. It is nice to know that Alex is doing regular boy things like playing kickball at recess. He's happy, I'm getting a break from the responsibility of being his teacher, and we'll see how the rest sorts itself out over the course of this next semester.

Time for Relationship

I've had to let my blog go for a bit as our transition during the past couple of months became too consuming.  Also, I haven't had much time to be on Peter's computer (since I don't technically have one of my own anymore).  But since he's out with the guys tonight...I thought I'd snag the opportunity and see what comes out.

We're in our new house and slowly chipping away at the many changes we want to make.  It's a fun place, though.  We had 31 people here for Christmas and it was a good time! With the trampoline, swing set, tire swing, sand box, fire pit, zip line, and remote controlled vehicles in the backyard, it's no big surprise that children who do not live here aren't eager to go.  (Which we just love!) We want to have a home that other children want to go to so that our children will stick around! haha  Peter has already made a resolution to have 12 parties here in 2012, and I'm sure some poker nights on the deck with his man friends will count for a few.  ;)

I really am grateful for our home and I love the space.  I also love finally being free from being on someone else's terms and timing.  This place is a great investment and would have made an excellent flip home if we had decided to go that route.  But, home is what we need right now and this is where we've landed.  For now.

Despite all of our blessings and reasons to be thankful, I still find myself in more of a rut than ever.  An unshakable sadness looms, a feeling of purposelessness.  Having lived with such a clear sense of purpose and direction for our entire marriage up until we came here, I still haven't adjusted to the reality that we've been stripped of those things.  That probably sounds ridiculous to some, seeing as how we have a family and clearly there is purpose in that alone.  And there is, but I've lost my spark in the midst of it; for being a homemaker, a homeschool teacher, and maybe a person altogether.  I love cooking, but it leaves a mess I am too tired to clean up.  I love my children, but have lacked the energy and motivation required to really spend the kind of quality time with them I want to spend.  And of course I love my husband, but sometimes it's difficult to find ways to connect when we're both processing so much in such drastically different ways.

So I think it's a good time for a new year.  In a way it feels like a fresh start, yet in another way it makes me nervous.  Will this year be as difficult as the past couple of years have been? If so, I think I'll stay here in 2011 where at least I know what to expect some of the time.  One thing that really gives us a lift is being around people.  We like having fun.  We like having people over and getting out with friends.  So we need to do that more.  We need people around us in this season and we're thankful for those God has connected us with so far.  And I promise, although we have a crazy story, we don't bite.  Or at least we haven't yet.  ;)

During some time spent sweeping our floor, I asked God what this next year is about.  He said "relationships." The first relationship that came to my mind was my relationship with Him! I am just ready for a season of savoring some real cherished time with my Papa God.  Beginning the new year in a broken sort of state causes me to realize my need for that time even more.  It's really all I need.  My answers are all found there.  Our healing is found there.  And my purpose and value are clear when He looks at me.  Next to that are my relationships within the walls of our home.  Without formal ministry and full-time jobs pulling on us as in times past, it feels like a season to put that time and energy into the people who are most dear to me...my husband and my kids.  There is so much re-arranging and settling going on within all of us, I think it's going to take a while before we find our new normal.  And that's ok.   We're not in a hurry.

Much of what I used to believe has been shaken in recent years, but whatever comes in 2012 there are a few things that I know will not change... I can trust my Daddy, He is good, and He will take care of us.  Nothing will come as a surprise to Him and He always has a plan, even when we can't see it.  So here we go.  And here I go...back to my messy kitchen!