When Gone is Gone

This morning I read the blog of a friend who has lost both her mother and her younger brother to cancer.  I grew up with their family and the brother who passed away was a month younger than our son, Mark.  The double loss and suffering this family has endured and the way they have faced it with courage, grace and honesty is a real-life testimony, to me and others, of the peace and strength that only God can give.

As I read the following words, I really felt like they were for me as much as they were for her:

I think it's so important to be able to let go of things when it's time to say goodbye.  What's gone is gone.  You cannot hold onto something and make it a part of your life if it's not there.  Saying goodbye recognizes that something, someone was there, it really did happen, but now they have moved on which means you must move on too.   

There will always be goodbyes in life, and some much, much harder than others.  But there are also many, many hellos.  And if you look at it that way, at least for me, there are so many more hellos than goodbyes. And so many of those hellos are so much greater in their level of joy than goodbyes are in their level of sorrow.

Some goodbyes we say because we have chosen to do so.  We intentionally let something go and move on.  Some goodbyes, though, are because someone or something was leaving and there was nothing we could do but say goodbye and let them go. The same goes for hellos.  Sometimes very wonderful things come to say hello as an unexpected and happy surprise.  Then there are the hellos that we choose to say, and there is endless opportunity to say those kinds of hellos.  

Here's to knowing when to say goodbye and having the courage to do so...

and to choosing to say hello as often as we can.

Leaving our life in Kohala has felt like a death to me and I have spent the past year grieving that loss.  There was so much that led to us going there to begin with...dreams, hopes, plans...that our 2 years there just felt way too short.  We were courted, married and divorced before I even saw it coming.  And I think the most difficult part about it, for me, is that I didn't choose it.  I didn't choose to have our plans set aside, I didn't choose to leave.  It chose me and I had to go with it.  And I was okay going along with that, at the time, because I believed that our leaving was temporary.  Now here we are in Redding, a year and 2 months later, and we own a home.  We have new friends, a new flow to our life.  It's all good, but I think I've hesitated to fully embrace it because I've been holding out for returning to our life in Kohala.  I didn't want to, again, get too attached to a way of life or a circle of friends that would rip my heart out when I left.

In 12 days I will return to Kohala, but just for a short visit.  We left so suddenly last time that I didn't have a chance to say good-bye to many people.  I missed the births of 5 babies within my circle of friends there in the last year, so I am really excited to meet them all.  I know that I will have a full 9 days, a chance to re-live a past life for a little while, to enjoy being with some my favorite people, to soak up all of the aloha that I possibly can.  And it will be a time for me to say good-bye, gone is gone.  Chapter closed.  I am really not looking forward to that.  I'm thankful for the chance to visit and for the fact that I will have the friends I made there for eternity.  I just wasn't done there.  In fact, it felt like we had just begun.

It's time for a new season for our family.  This is the first time we've ever owned a home, a sure sign of beginning to put some roots down.  That is really foreign to me.  I have loved the 16+ years of adventure I've enjoyed since I left Redding for southern Cal in '95.  I've lived in every climate zone there is...from sunny SoCal to the heat of the desert, then to the snow-covered mountains and the tropics of Hawaii.  Now here we are in the valley.  Back in my hometown.  While it has felt a little like I did something wrong and got sent home, I know it has been God's saving grace for us in this season.  And I choose to trust Him.

So here's to knowing when to say goodbye and having the courage to do so...

Deja Vu

Yesterday we had a family garage sale at my parents' house.  Because Peter has been so busy with working on our new house and I've been busy holding down the fort at our rental home with the kids, we didn't have a chance to totally get our act together for a full-blown moving sale.  I was able to haul one truck full over to my parents' and made a few bucks, so at least our load is a little lighter before we make the move.

While at the sale yesterday I had a strange feeling that I'd been there before.  You know, that deja vu feeling? So many of the events in our life this month have coincided with last year, I told my dad, "I bet it was this weekend last year that I had my moving sale in Hawaii." I just looked back in my BeenUp2 archives and yep, I was right.

My brother and his family came to Kohala to help me pack up and also helped with my moving sale.  They were such lifesavers! I could never have done that on my own.

Last year's moving sale in Kohala

In case you wonder why my heart aches for Kohala...here is reason #341 (normally we could see the ocean under that frequently-appearing rainbow).

The last time I enjoyed the view from our bed in Kapa'au 

 Many of our friends have heard us talk about the infamous rooster farm (aka cock fighting establishment) across the street from our house.  You can see a portion of it off in the distance on the left.  We spent lots of time with the kids flying kites and learning how to ride bikes in the field.  It was a great life we had there.

Our container arrives

 The kids thought the container was the best thing ever.  It's crazy to see how much they've changed in a year.  And how their tans have faded!

The Johnston 3 band photo, from inside the container

 While not able to be with us in body, he was there in spirit and in Skype.

Peter directing the move from Mammoth

After my brother and his family left, my parents tag-teamed and helped me get the container loaded.  Then began the oh-so-not-fun process of cleaning that huge house.

It started out organized and ended up like this

And to top it all off, our projected moving date here in Redding is exactly 1 year to the day that the kids and I arrived in Redding with my parents, the day before Thanksgiving.  Like I said, deja vu.

Hawai'i, Here I Come!

Well, my birthday weekend is over and I have just a minute to write about it.  If you read my Redemption post, you know that Peter left Hawaii on my birthday last year.  It was not his choice, by any means, but it's just the way our situation worked out at the time.  A few of my sweet friends in Kohala had a mini kid-included birthday celebration for me.  I remember being so relieved that we were all safe and my husband was on his way to getting the support he needed.  Even though it was probably my worst birthday ever, I still received my birthday wish:  my husband was going to be okay.  Funny how a crisis can bring what matters most to the forefront of our desires.

Enough about the past... I had almost no expectations for my birthday this year because it just came at a really busy and money-tight time, sandwiched in between Peter's album release and the baby shower of a dear friend.  Peter has been consumed with our remodel lately, so I didn't expect so much as a card from him.  I headed to the mall in search of new shoes and was welcomed by the sound of Hawaiian music.  I followed the wonderfully familiar sound to the center of the mall only to discover a most unusual sight (in Redding, anyway)--hula dancers! Smiling as I watched them, it felt like Hawaii came to me on my birthday.  Yes, even though almost all of them were haoles.  So I posted this photo on Facebook:

Hawaii came to me on my birthday!

Satisfied with my birthday experience up to that point, I later walked out of the mall in my new Danskos.   For dinner I decided to invite my family and a couple of friends to join us at Grilla Bites, my favorite place to eat in Redding.  I ordered six slices of various raw pie gloriousness to share around the table in lieu of a gluten- and sugar-full birthday cake.  While waiting for our food, I saw a stack of birthday cards in front of me.  I grabbed the first one and ripped it open without even looking at who it was from.  There was a folded piece of paper in it and I just quickly skimmed it, noticing the word Hawaii in there somewhere.  I'm not sure why, but I quickly closed the card and went for the next card.  And the next one.  Then I went back to the mysterious Hawaii card.  What is this and who is it from?

Oh wow.  Oh wow.  {uncontrollable sobbing ensues without warning}  Really overwhelmed.  I didn't even know where Peter was.  Finally I found him behind me playing with the kids and, when he saw my face, he knew I had opened his card.  He just started laughing.  And I could faintly hear my sister next to me.  Um, are you laughing? Or crying? Are you okay? But I was lost in my own world of disbelief that I would actually be visiting my beloved Kohala.  And soon! The sadness hit when I saw my boys' faces and how badly they wanted to go to Hawaii with me.  It doesn't feel right to go alone.  I had hoped this would be a family vacation, a time to visit a place we once called home together.  I left Hawaii without my husband and really hoped we'd return together at some point.  But that moment will have to wait a while longer.  This trip will be short and sweet, but I will savor every moment of it.


Best.  Birthday.  Ever.

Redemption

Life changes so quickly.  A single moment can alter the rest of a person's life.  And a year of those moments has brought our family from the brink of destruction to seeing dreams realized like we never imagined.  You see, a year ago today I discovered something that threw me immediately back into the nightmare we had experienced a few short months before.  It was something my husband had done that let me know he was not okay.  Again.  While I had already set the ball in motion to move from Hawaii, that moment was a game changer.  Peter would not be staying with the kids and I to help us make the move.  I had to get him out of Hawaii.

So I booked him a flight and called his dad.  Please be in L.A. in the morning to pick up your son.  Our friend Sully drove Peter and I to the airport.  I watched as, like a child who had never flown before, he stumbled through the check-in process.  I don't know what to do, Jen.  How do I do this? I stood as close to the security check-point as I could, coaching him through each step.  With a knot in my stomach, I watched him eventually walk away towards the airplane.  This is not good.  No, not good at all.  I just knew that he was not okay to travel alone.  What if he becomes horribly confused while in the air and does something drastic? What if he's arrested? And what if he gets lost when he has to change planes? After much wrestling back and forth in my head, I went to the ticket counter.  My husband isn't feeling well, so here's my number in case anyone needs to reach me.  No, he's not sick he's just...confused.

A flight attendant was sent to check on him.  Then the captain checked on him.  And he was deemed "unable to fly." Great.  Now what? With a victorious expression, my husband was led off of the airplane by a team of security agents.  You don't understand, my husband HAS to get off this island! I promise, he will be okay once he leaves Hawaii.  This has happened before.  Just please, please take him to California.  I'm desperate.  No go.  I had an hour on the drive home to think about how I would get through the night.  Already so sleep deprived, I just knew I couldn't husband-sit another night.  Thankfully, Jenny and Sully took him back to their 30-acre property for the night.  Knowing he probably wouldn't sleep, they decided to take turns keeping an eye on him.

The next day, Plan B:  Peter's dad drives through the night to L.A. from Mammoth, catches a plane (after missing a plane) to the Big Island, rents a car and drives an hour north to Kohala.  This is the second time he has made an emergency trip to the island to apprehend his son and escort him back to California. My hero.  However, before he can reach the island, Peter goes missing.  Two hours go by before we realize no one knows where Peter is.  Panic nearly overwhelms me.  How could he get lost walking the one mile from Jenny and Sully's house to home? There's nothing but dirt road and bushes between here and there! Unless he went the other direction...towards the cliffs...oh God, where are You??? And where is my husband??? {a sudden sensation of liquid peace and two simple words:  he's okay} It takes everything within me and then some to hang on to those two words for the next five hours.  I drive around in our Landcruiser on dirt roads with our three children in the back calling out, "Daaaaady! Where are you???" They have no clue how serious this is.  I can't believe this is happening.  I can't believe this is my life right now.  What if we don't find him before dark? What if we never find him?


After our friends and local law enforcement officers spend hours searching for him, Peter is found not far away and taken to a small local hospital down the road.  I race to drop off the kids at a friend's house on the corner and then race down the highway in hopes of finding my husband unharmed.  I arrive and run to him.  He seems good, much better, despite some large bumps on his head.  Knowing that his dad will arrive at any moment and they have a plane to catch, I ask him to leave with me.  Unable to keep him there against his will, the police officers and nurses let him walk out.  We go pick up the kids, we visit with our friends, we go home, Jenny makes us dinner and my father-in-law arrives in time for a quick meal before he turns around to make the return journey with his son.  Whew.  That was a close one.


Later I found out that my husband nearly took his life during those five hours he was missing.  That is a story for another day, but let's just say he suffered greatly during that time.  Thank God he really was okay.

I promised I would write about something good today, so here it is.  Tomorrow night at Redding's first Unearthed Arts Event we will be celebrating our friends and their completed works of both musical and visual art.  We will also be celebrating the release of Peter's first album, a timeline of songs about his life that he's written since the mid-90's.  And here's the really cool part.  Although it was completely unintentional, the very moment at which Peter is slotted to begin his portion of the event will mark the 1-year anniversary--down to the minute--that he was found after those excruciating five hours in Hawaii.  That's right.  The moment at which he nearly took his life last year is being marked by stepping into the realization of one of his biggest dreams this year.  I'm pretty sure that's called REDEMPTION!!! Here we are in the thick of remodeling our first home and seeing a long-awaited dream of Peter's be fulfilled.  And so we shake the dust off and step into a new season here in Redding, California.

So make sure you come on out and celebrate with us Friday, November 4th from 7-9 p.m. at Bethel Church's Twin View campus.  And as a thank you for reading my blog today, I'll let you in on a couple of secrets:  1) there will be free childcare provided for the evening and 2) we will be handing out free CDs to everyone there towards the end of the event!

Extra Grace Required

Prepare yourself for my first really raw blog entry.  I don't even know what I'm going to say, but I feel it coming on as I sit here snacking on a bowl of chocolate chips as a means of self-medicating. *kidding*  

This week is just TOUGH! And yet it's so very good.  I don't want to whine and complain because I have so much to be thankful for and plenty to be excited about.  What's happening this week is a convergence of major anniversary dates from our traumatic week in Hawaii last year, on top of our remodeling project, on top of Peter's album being launched this Friday at the Unearthed Arts Event, on top of having family in town, on top of my birthday being this weekend, on top of just trying to manage our normal everyday life as a homeschooling mom and a work-at-home dad.  If I learned anything at all last year, I learned that grace abounds where grace is required, and I need a whole lot of that grace right now.

Most of our friends and family know that my husband was confronted with his own personal hell on earth last year.  What it felt like to me, watching it and going through it with him and the kids, was something similar to being a main character in a real life horror film.  I hate horror films and the feelings associated with even watching a preview for one.  Take those feelings and add to that the realization that this is not just a movie, this is actually my life.  For real.  

Episode I of this horror film began on Peter's birthday, June 29th.  It was also the day our oldest son left home.  This resulted in us leaving the island for 2 1/2 months while we came back to California to sort things out.  He really did seem fine once we left Hawaii, so we returned to our beloved island home in Kohala believing that we would see the fruit of all the promises we went to Hawaii with.  Instead, Episode II began on November 2nd.  With my husband trapped in a seemingly inescapable whirlwind, I was left on my own to decide how to handle it.  We were too far away from family and our support network to get the help we needed at the time.  Our Kohala ohana, however, was everything that a family should be and more, making my decision to leave them even more difficult!   

Knowing that Hawaii wasn't going anywhere and we needed some serious help, I made the choice to move after consulting some trusted advisors.  My hope was that we'd really get to the bottom of what was happening, figure it out, fix it, and return to Kohala.  With five of my dear friends about to give birth to new babies, I was determined to make it back in a few months for a visit.  Sadly, almost a year has gone by and I haven't made it back.  And now here we are buying a house in Redding! 

It's all very confusing, but I am trusting that God knows what He's doing.  I fully believe that He made it possible for us to buy this home at just the right time.  But my heart is broken in two, half of which remained in Kohala and the other half is happy to be here.  My goodness, if I hadn't left Kohala I wouldn't be enjoying the new friendships (and some old) that I have here.  I wouldn't be living with my entire family within a few miles and I would't be anywhere NEAR a Trader Joe's.  :) I also wouldn't have access to all the homeschooling support we're enjoying here.  I can't think of a better place for us to plant in this season of our lives.

I realize that this may be a sad post, and that's probably because I do feel sad.  I'm reminding myself to focus on the good things that have come from our trials, to press into Grace--the kind that I know can carry me through even my worst nightmare.  So tomorrow I promise to write about some of those good things.