Extra Grace Required

Prepare yourself for my first really raw blog entry.  I don't even know what I'm going to say, but I feel it coming on as I sit here snacking on a bowl of chocolate chips as a means of self-medicating. *kidding*  

This week is just TOUGH! And yet it's so very good.  I don't want to whine and complain because I have so much to be thankful for and plenty to be excited about.  What's happening this week is a convergence of major anniversary dates from our traumatic week in Hawaii last year, on top of our remodeling project, on top of Peter's album being launched this Friday at the Unearthed Arts Event, on top of having family in town, on top of my birthday being this weekend, on top of just trying to manage our normal everyday life as a homeschooling mom and a work-at-home dad.  If I learned anything at all last year, I learned that grace abounds where grace is required, and I need a whole lot of that grace right now.

Most of our friends and family know that my husband was confronted with his own personal hell on earth last year.  What it felt like to me, watching it and going through it with him and the kids, was something similar to being a main character in a real life horror film.  I hate horror films and the feelings associated with even watching a preview for one.  Take those feelings and add to that the realization that this is not just a movie, this is actually my life.  For real.  

Episode I of this horror film began on Peter's birthday, June 29th.  It was also the day our oldest son left home.  This resulted in us leaving the island for 2 1/2 months while we came back to California to sort things out.  He really did seem fine once we left Hawaii, so we returned to our beloved island home in Kohala believing that we would see the fruit of all the promises we went to Hawaii with.  Instead, Episode II began on November 2nd.  With my husband trapped in a seemingly inescapable whirlwind, I was left on my own to decide how to handle it.  We were too far away from family and our support network to get the help we needed at the time.  Our Kohala ohana, however, was everything that a family should be and more, making my decision to leave them even more difficult!   

Knowing that Hawaii wasn't going anywhere and we needed some serious help, I made the choice to move after consulting some trusted advisors.  My hope was that we'd really get to the bottom of what was happening, figure it out, fix it, and return to Kohala.  With five of my dear friends about to give birth to new babies, I was determined to make it back in a few months for a visit.  Sadly, almost a year has gone by and I haven't made it back.  And now here we are buying a house in Redding! 

It's all very confusing, but I am trusting that God knows what He's doing.  I fully believe that He made it possible for us to buy this home at just the right time.  But my heart is broken in two, half of which remained in Kohala and the other half is happy to be here.  My goodness, if I hadn't left Kohala I wouldn't be enjoying the new friendships (and some old) that I have here.  I wouldn't be living with my entire family within a few miles and I would't be anywhere NEAR a Trader Joe's.  :) I also wouldn't have access to all the homeschooling support we're enjoying here.  I can't think of a better place for us to plant in this season of our lives.

I realize that this may be a sad post, and that's probably because I do feel sad.  I'm reminding myself to focus on the good things that have come from our trials, to press into Grace--the kind that I know can carry me through even my worst nightmare.  So tomorrow I promise to write about some of those good things.