Today the stress level was through the roof and so I loaded the kids up in the car and drove out to our new home. I love it out there. The drive alone is enough to soothe my frayed nerves. While the kids jumped on their new trampoline in the backyard, I checked out the progress in the house. For the quick minute I was able to endure breathing inside of that fume-filled box, I could see that the texture was done and the place already looks completely different. Then my eyes started burning and my throat was closing up, so I joined the kids in the fresh air and sunshine. I don't know how Peter and our texture-painter guy can stand being in there all day! Wow. Peter sat outside with me for a few minutes and I had my much-needed venting session.
I caught Alyma's cold. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I miss you. The kids miss you. I'm constantly torn between trying to keep my head above water at home and letting the water cover my head for just a bit while I sneak in some work on painting our cabinets. Oh, the cabinets. That job that feels bigger and more overwhelming by the hour. And I have a field trip in the morning and plans in the evening and a garage sale the next morning and more plans that night. I think I'm losing my mind. Mark keeps texting me desperate for some cash. How much responsibility do we take for our almost-20-year-old's decisions? Do we bail him out or let him feel the consequences a little longer? Are we even able to bail him out? Oh, and homeschool. Yeah, that. I think we'll be doing school through the summer to catch up this year. Which is fine, but I don't like feeling behind. I'm just so tired. And I really, really just want to be done with this move and enjoy living in our new home. It's so peaceful here. Do you think we can really pull off hosting Thanksgiving? I don't know if we can do it. Everything feels so crazy right now. Twenty more days of this month. And then I'm off to Hawaii. But am I? It seems like it's not working out right now. The cost to fly out of Redding is more than the points we have saved up. And the flight times from other cities are rough. Oh, to be in Hawaii. Right. Now.
I painted a couple of drawers and called it a day. Time for naps back at the house. I laid down with Aaron and gave myself permission to rest for a while. And I realized I've had this feeling before. Three times, actually. Wait, I've changed my mind! I decided I actually don't want to do this. What, you mean there's no going back? But I can't do this! I'm telling you, I really can't! It's too hard. I can't take it anymore. This is much more difficult than I ever anticipated. I give up! And then that final push comes and, in a moment, I realize that it was all worth it. It's called transition and it's no fun. It's intense and exhausting and painful and takes everything within me and then some I didn't know I had. But what comes after that is pure bliss. And I imagine "blissful" is exactly what it will feel like when we are settled in our new home, ready for the next season.
If the number 11 represents transition like everyone says, then November is holding true to its number. Tomorrow is 11-11-11 and Peter's album will be available on iTunes. And that's it. We're done with that project. Thank you's and albums have been sent to the appropriate people and now we're enjoying giving albums away, laughing when our painter tells us his teenage daughter would like to meet the man behind the music.
It's just another transition in our lives, one of many, a finished chapter in our book, a new beginning. Lord, help me finish this chapter well.
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